Mutterings for the Minority

How many forum users…..

Someone sent me this little gem via email today, I’m sure you’ll all agree it’s pretty much spot on!

How many forum members does it take to…

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Funny but true!

* NEW * England rugby jersey

Being an avid rugby fan and a proud Welshman - I just had to share this little gem with you. So may I present to you, the all NEW England rugby union shirt

It’s available from all good sports shops and some rubbish ones too. Oh and it’s also priced at the bargain price of £36 as well

If you don’t know what the hell I’m on about then read this story on the BBC website.

One for the ladies…..

I was sent this by a female colleague today (thanks KS) and thought it was worth sharing because - (a) it’s funny and (b) it’s factually correct

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

We always hear ” the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE !

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sport… It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

So, what do you reckon fellas/ladies?

Police monkeys

With the weather returning to its normal state, i.e. wet and bloody windy, I thought I’d try and cheer everyone up with a joke I was sent earlier today. I was actually sent two, but the former was waaaaay too rude to put on here! Any here is the “Police Monkey” joke

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where (possibly Cardiff), walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, I’ll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please Sergeant”

The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why
did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving - well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That ones even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. “That one must be even better? What does it do?”

That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can’t see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong.”

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do f*** all yet, but it says it’s a Detective!”

Thanks to Lance for sharing that with me.